Now it can be told...

[acelightning]

I couldn't post this before now, because it was an entry in a contest. It didn't win, so I can now share it with the world.

Every year, The Scotsman (a newspaper) holds its traditional Online Haggis Hunt. They used to have some haggis recipes on the site, but this year they decided to have a separate contest and have participants submit their best haggis recipes. This is what I submitted:

HAGGIS CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH BUTTERSCOTCH ICING

1 average-size haggis, preferably female. (For convenience, I will refer to the haggis as "she" throughout this recipe.)

Find a cozy place in your kitchen where the haggis will be comfortable. (A packing box with some soft blankets in it will do, or a dog bed of the appropriate size.) Keep the haggis well supplied with whisky while she observes the preparations.

Butter two 7" or 8" sandwich tins; line the bottoms with greaseproof paper, butter the paper, and dust the inside of each tin with cocoa (unsweetened cocoa powder). Preheat the oven to 350° F. (Gas Mark 4).

6 oz. self-raising flour
7 oz. caster sugar
2 oz. unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup (1/4 liter) double cream
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 tablespoons whisky

In a mixing bowl, whisk together all the dry ingredients. Add the cream, eggs, vanilla, and whisky, and beat well for 3 minutes. Scrape the batter evenly into the prepared pans. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Make the icing (see below) while the cake is baking When done, turn out onto wire racks to cool, and remove paper from the bottoms of the cake. Fill and ice when cool. If at any time the haggis appears bored or unhappy, offer her another whisky. Have some yourself.

10 oz. dark brown sugar
5 oz. caster sugar
pinch of salt
1/2 cup milk
2 oz. butter
1 1/2 tablespoons golden syrup
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 tablespoons whisky

Mix sugars, salt, milk, butter, and syrup in a heavy saucepan. Bring to boil, stirring constantly, and boil exactly 1 minute. Remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. Beat in vanilla and whisky, then beat until thick enough to spread. Make sure the haggis has enough whisky.

Place one cake layer on a pretty plate. Spread about half the icing on top, and add the second layer, flattest side up. Cover the top and sides of the cake with the remaining icing. (You may decorate it by arranging whole toasted almonds or walnuts in a suitable design on the top. Haggii often have an artistic streak, and appreciate beauty.)

Wake the haggis up, and offer her the first serving of cake, accompanied by tea and/or whisky. Then serve yourself, and enjoy a convivial snack. When you are done, thank her for her company, and escort her to the nearest moor.

ETA: I translated everything into UK culinary terms, because the contest took place in Scotland. I'll be glad to translate back into US terminology, if anyone wants me to.

Comments

[red_trillium]

Thank you for sharing, the recipe looks good and it's a humorous read (although I guess you could use she or he depending on your personal haggis!).

[acelightning]

I was hoping that the humor would appeal to the contest judges. I wouldn't dare enter anything that actually had to do with traditional Scots haggis, i.e., the assortment of sheep's innards boiled in a stomach (there's a reason why they always drink Scotch with it!). And "Haggis Chocolate Cake" just seemed like a good idea at the time.

[red_trillium]

I've never had haggis but when I saw the title I thought "eeeeewwwwwwww" and then read it and loved it. :)

[acelightning]

That was more or less the idea ;-)

[rednfiery]

haggis is actually good! it's got a bit of a strong taste, though. of course, i am "required" to eat it whenever i visit my uncle's house in scotland so it might just be that i've acquired a taste for it after all these years! :)

i'd definitely eat your version of haggis chocolate cake but, similar to another commenter, when i first read the title i thought "huh? ew! really?"

nice job.

[acelightning]

You can't actually make a genuine haggis in the US. One of the traditional ingredients is the "lights" (lungs) of the sheep - and it's against federal law to buy, sell, or use the lungs of any animal as food. In fact, the law requires slaughterhouses to "denature" the lungs with various noxious substances, so that they can't possibly be made into anything edible. You can order tinned haggis and have it sent to the US, though - but haggis purists insist it's not really the same.

[starfish]

This fact makes my partner very very sad. We have had the canned stuff, but he seeks authenticity.

[acelightning]

The only logical thing to do, then, is travel to Scotland. (I plan to go there someday myself; that's where a lot of my ancestors came from.)

[vampwillow]

That's terrible! I love haggis and eat it quite regularly (proper ones, that is, though I have been known to buy the inferior tinned version when in Scotland). Proposition time at the next election?

[wenchpixie]

Not quite true anymore - we're now allowed to export haggis to the US again (the legislation was passed just in time for Burn's night this year); if you're looking for a good one, look for MacSweens who've recently ramped up manufacture to deal with the new demand :).

I'm fairly sure it's counted as an exemption for tradional foodstuff, something like that?

[acelightning]

That would be tinned haggis, though, wouldn't it? (My friends in Scotland say that tinned haggis is quite acceptable, rather than preparing a traditional haggis at home. Also, it comes in different size tins, so if you're only feeding one or two people, you don't have a ridiculous amount of leftover haggis.)

[twistedchick]

Is it true that haggi run only in one direction around the hills, and that you can tell the haggis's gender from which direction it's going?

[vampwillow]

correct ... the legs on one side are longer than the other so that when going around the contours they don't fall over. There is a whole discussion about gender and sexuality relating to whether they are clockwise or anticlockwise (and don't get me started about those who want to go straight down to the burn at the bottom of the valley for something to add to their whisky)

[starfish]

something to add to their whisky? Heathens!

[vampwillow]

I concur - adding anything to a decent single malt ruins it imho (though what someone chooses to do with a 'blend' I take no interest in, nor in their uncouthness.

My personal favourites are Scapa, and Laphroaig.

[acelightning]

Absolutely not! (Although if you follow the custom of keeping yourself warm with frequent nips of Scotch whisky while hunting the haggis, it might well appear tilted...)